Living a Value-Aligned life

Who am I? Oof - that’s one of the most challenging and hard-hitting questions we ever ask ourselves. It’s a question I have pondered many times, usually coming up blank. The concept feels so large, all-consuming, and ever-changing. How can I define myself in a single sentence or even a paragraph? In short, I’m realizing I can’t. But what I can do is identify my core values.

This feels much less daunting and allows for flexibility and imperfection. Values are something we practice - choices we continually make. Do we live in value-aligned ways all the time? Definitely not. But we can try! For me, getting clear about my values allowed me to make the right choices for myself and slowly feel like I was living in a value-aligned way more often than not.

Okay, cool… but where do I start?

For me, it all started with a research paper on the environmental impact of industrial farming. I was deeply affected as my eyes were opened to the impact this industry has on our earth, animals, and humans (regarding both health impacts and working conditions). From that moment on, I decided: no more meat for me.

This was during my first year of university. I was away from my parents for the first time and at a developmental age where some differentiation from my peers felt okay (key word “some). I cared deeply about this; I felt it in my body and my soul, and I knew I had to act. I didn’t know it then, but this was a core value forming - one I now recognize as Ethics. It wasn’t just about the act of eating meat; it was about the unethical shift in the industry and how that impacts our planet, our bodies, and the living beings involved.

Living ethically started with a vegetarian diet but evolved into no longer supporting fast fashion brands or products made in harmful ways. Although these changes may sound overwhelming at first, allowing your values to act as a filter for your choices can feel like a huge relief in a world where so much is available to us.

“Values are your heart’s deepest desires for how you want to behave as a human being. Values are not about what you want to get or achieve; they are about how you want to behave or act on an ongoing basis; how you want to treat yourself, others, and the world around you.”

Why understanding your values helps you understand yourself

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is a therapeutic modality that emphasizes the importance of bringing values into the conversation. Understanding and living in alignment with your values is fundamental to psychological well-being and making behavioral changes with ease and longevity.

One of the founders of ACT, Steven Hayes, defined values as “…intentional qualities of action that join together a string of moments into a meaningful path.”

Therapy isn't about being who your therapist thinks you should be, who your parents want you to be, or who your favorite influencer says you should be in order to be "good." It’s about figuring out who you are and what you care about. When you live in a way that reflects those truths, fulfillment follows.

Making changes is hard. Often, it’s harder because we are trying to make changes based on someone else’s values rather than our own. By noticing your own values, your "why" becomes clear, changes happen naturally, and the "shoulds" start to fall away.

Identifying core values

1. Look at the list and see what feels right 

In the Integrate notebook, we provide a list of values. Start there: read through them and highlight the ones that stand out. Then, refine. Read through them again and "feel" into your body. Which ones resonate? Which ones make you feel passionate? Sometimes several feel important, but one underlying value captures the essence of them all. For me, I valued sustainability, empathy for all beings as well as health. At the core of it however is a sense of ethics - caring about the way things are done and the impact that is had. 


2. Look at how you spend your money, time, and energy 

Your calendar and your bank statement can tell you a lot about your current priorities. Take a deep breath and notice what comes up. Ask any judgmental parts of yourself to step aside. You’re doing something brave by taking an inventory; that is a crucial step.

3. Differentiate your values from "shoulds" 

Ask yourself:

  • Is this my parents’ value?

  • Is this based on someone I saw online?

  • Does this come from my culture or religion?

  • Does this come from the wider culture?

Our values can come from many places, and that’s okay! Sometimes a value feels right simply because it is familiar. Take a pause and see if your adult self actually aligns with it today.

Intention over perfection

A few times a year, I eat meat. What?! How?! I know it’s confusing. I’ve been an "imperfect vegetarian" for 11 years, but a few years into that journey, I realized another core value of mine is Community. I’m from Argentina, and eating with family is a massive part of how we connect. Being at an asado (Argentine barbeque) surrounded by the people I love, eating food my ancestors have eaten for centuries, is vital to me. When I’m visiting home, I usually have one asado, and it fills my cup in a meaningful way.

I share this to remind you that uncovering your values does not mean you have to be perfect. It means you have a guide for how to live, but it is your life. You can live it in a way that works for you. Notice the part of you that wants to be perfect or the part that shames you for an "unaligned" choice. Remind yourself that you are human, and contradictions are okay.

Reminders

Self-exploration can be beautiful and enlightening, but also sticky and vulnerable. Take it slow and be soft with yourself. Journal about it, talk to your therapist, and be proud of yourself for putting in the effort to live a life that feels right for you.